So...yeah I know I haven't written in awhile and its probably been way to long. Also as well I agree that the last time I kinda wrote some bombs that some of you don't know and others of you have known for awhile, deal with it because thats how I roll.
I don't even know where to start. I guess we can probably start with my second thoughts. Yeah, you heard me about my second thoughts and they bother me greatly. I bother Jenni about them all the time and for the life of me I can't get them to leave my heads. Don't get me wrong I am very happy with where I am, I have the greatest wife a guy could ask for and my two children could not be any better then what I could ever ask for. Then we come to where I would like to be when it comes to finances and thats when I start to second guess it all. All my friends from my previous job that opted to move have been nothing but successful and that bothers me more then I could ever admit it.
All I ever wanted to do was provide for my family and for a short time I was doing it and I was very proud of it. But then my job was moved, which I'm okay wtih, and then I'm stuck with being the at home dad not producing. My kids deserve better then what I can produce for them and just when I was getting the chance to do it, it was gone. I think the problem I have with it the most is I look at my family and how successful they are and then look at myself and have to hang my head. Not that I have been an entire disappointment but that they have made something of themselves and I have done nothing more then skate through life.
I really do look up to my brothers more then I think they can ever truly recognize. I look at them and at the life they produce for their families and I can't help but want for what they have. One of my brothers can provide for both his wife and his children and they other makes enough money to be comfortable to. Don't get me wrong that both my sister in laws do a great amount too. One of my sister in laws takes care of two children while my other sister in law takes care of one child while working two. I can't help but look at that and think to myself why I didn't do something about it. I want to be as comfortable as both of them are. I want to be able to be okay with payday instead of looking forward to payday.
Now don't get me wrong, the whole I have digged is my own fault and I am not trying to cry about where I am(seriously). I am just having a moment and looking back on everything I have done and what I can do in the future. I may have screwed up and thats okay but you better believe that my kids aren't. they both deserve more then what they have been given. I don't care how good of a dad I may have been, they deserve to be able to not live through the stress that is living paycheck to paycheck.
I guess one of the big things I am getting at when it comes to my rambling is the fact that my mother raised a better person then what I am right now. Don't get me wrong I didn't turn out ALL that bad, but she did better then what I turned out to be. But I should probably get to the point of my rambling and say something significant. Don't sell your self short and reach for what may be important to you. You may think that your okay coasting through life but eventually, eventually its going to come back and bite out. It won't just bite, it will chomp on you. Right now in your life you may just looking through your own hourglass but trust me, eventually you may have one, two, three, four maybe five or more and you won't be on your own. Learn from me and make something of yourself because I can tell you right now, that you don't want to let you down because thats what hurts the most.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Health....guess I should have listened
So here it goes, always liked writing but never really put much effort into continuing it. I figured with all the bad luck I have had in my life over the last couple of months maybe I should start finding away to get it off my chest.
Now don't get me wrong, I have always been a emotional person and never afraid to "get lost in the moment" but with everything that has happened with my health I have been doing nothing but holding everything in, which probably isn't a good thing. So before expressing what I have been feeling, I should probably tell you what is happening.
Lets start back in July with my heart attack. Now I know most of you know about my heart attack but still even after eight months people still can't believe I had it. Basically what happen was I was a horrible diabetic, took really bad care of myself and paid the consequences. Luckily all that was needed was a stent, a healthy diet and some excercise but still the question is in my head how could I have let it get that far! The answer to that question is extremely simple, I thought I was invincible. I'm not lying about the invincible thing.......I seriously thought no matter what happen to me that I would be fine and make it out alive. Well this time I pushed it a little to far and almost cost my life at the age of 29 leaving behind a wonderful wife and two beautiful children.
Now I can't really put into words how that felt and to be honest I broke down maybe once during that and tucked everything else away. I started to make the necessary changes to my life and started to become more healthy. Things were good for a couple of months until I found out in October that I would be losing my job in approximately six months, another dark cloud over my head.
What you have to understand is that I have never been a long term job kind of person. Lets just say I found a way to wear my welcome out fast, but not here. I had been with my company for almost five years and have started out from the bottom and through many trials and tribulations I made something of myself. Now don't get me wrong I needed ALOT of help to get there and received it but for once in my life I had made something of myself and felt that family and friends could be proud of me. Well that bright spot has turned dark. My original plan was to move with the company to the new site and I made sure to put on a "happy" face with everyone. It was a lie!
I was scared beyond belief of the fact of moving away from my family and friends but you never would have known it. I even had a co-worker ask me not to be so "positive" about everything so that people didn't feel it forced upon them, but I didn't know how cuz I was scared that everyone would see the "real" me underneath(weird thing being, I didn't move but that co-worker did, kinda funny). But in the end due to financial and health insurance reasons, we decided not to move. Lets just say it was the smartest decision of our life.
Emotionally I have to say probably the hardest time in my life has got to be over the last few weeks. Two weeks ago I ended up having a itch in my nose, I scratched it and to make a long story short, my nose bled for eight hours until I went to the ER and they stuck a balloon up there to make it stop. I can't even think what would we have done if we moved. My company would have made us pay for 40% of the bill where Jenni's insurance made us pay $100.00 and that was it. So after five days of drugs, sleeping and mending my nose was all better and I felt as if I had escaped one more medical obstacle. God how I wish that belief was true, but once again Invincible Bill couldn't have been more wrong.
The Friday after I had the balloon taken out of the nose, I went to see the eye doctor(which I hadn't seen in a while) to have my eyes checked. Now I had noticed over the years that my eyes were not as good as they used to and maybe something was wrong but nothing like I was about to find out. After talking to the nurse and thinking I needed glasses I met with the opthamalogist himself and found out what was wrong with my vision. I had diabetic mahecular degeneration (I could be wrong on what the diagnosis was) but basically all those years of being a bad diabetic have come back at me. This was the final straw for me and emotionally I couldn't take it anymore.
This is when I think I finally had a breakdown. I remember driving home from the doctor that day and calling my wife. No tears while talking to her, just explained what happen and told her I would see her when I get home. After that I called my mom and the minute I heard her voice, I broke down. I remember telling her, why was I so stupid, why didn't I listen...and so on. At one point I remember that she had asked me if I was driving and if I was that I needed to pull over my car for a couple of minutes. I think I had finally hit my emotional barrier. The heart attack, the job loss, the eyes, the nose, the fear of losing my life and never seeing my family, my children ever again was over powering. In a way I didn't want the tears to stop, I didn't want the feeling to leave.
To be honest the feeling really hasn't left. To be honest I am having a hard time keeping myself composed by writing this. I used to walk around with a self pity attitude looking for people to feel sorry for me, but now the only person I need to be sorry for me, is me. I used to think that I had never done anything good in this world and I have never amounted to anything. Thats always when your wrong, for everything wrong I have ever done, there is plenty good. That night after finding out about my eyes, I remember coming home and seeing my kids. I always wanted to be a father, but never thought I would be a good father. I have given my kids everything but on the course I was on, I wasn't going to give them me for much longer.
So to get to my conclusion, I'm a blessed individual no matter how much wrong I have done and god willing, its time for a clear slate. I thank the lord for I think first and foremost my mother. God I can't even imagine how she feels with everything in my life that I have put her through but yet she is still the one who holds my hand and makes sure I am okay. Next I would say is my wife. There is another person that I can't even imagine how she deals with everything. She has been married to me for seven years in two days and look what I have put her through. Most people don't deal with anything of this in a 30 year marriage let alone 7. Next is my kids, gosh they may or may not be oblivious to all this but whenever I have this news, they still look at me as a father and make me realize I HAVE done something good. I'm also thankful for the rest of my family no matter how sometime they may drive me crazy. Both my brothers give me a hard time, but they would drop everything for me and at some points in there lives, they have! Then there is my sister in laws who probably had no idea what they were getting in to when they married into the family. Hi, welcome to the Prenas, one of your brother in laws is going to be a medical disaster and put you on a emotional roller coaster! Then there are my two nieces and nephew, three more reasons to know that I have done something right. Last but not least my friends, thank you. You guys have been there for me just as much and have been just as hard on me and its appreciated.
So the moral of the story is to treat everyday of life as your last and to listen to the people in your life. Trust me, they are right about the life lessons they are giving you. They wouldn't be telling you this unless they didn't love you. I wanna thank you all for reading this, I needed to get all my emotions down on paper so that I could really let the slate be cleared.
I am hoping to write more blogs throughout but am lazy at heart so may not get around to it.
Now don't get me wrong, I have always been a emotional person and never afraid to "get lost in the moment" but with everything that has happened with my health I have been doing nothing but holding everything in, which probably isn't a good thing. So before expressing what I have been feeling, I should probably tell you what is happening.
Lets start back in July with my heart attack. Now I know most of you know about my heart attack but still even after eight months people still can't believe I had it. Basically what happen was I was a horrible diabetic, took really bad care of myself and paid the consequences. Luckily all that was needed was a stent, a healthy diet and some excercise but still the question is in my head how could I have let it get that far! The answer to that question is extremely simple, I thought I was invincible. I'm not lying about the invincible thing.......I seriously thought no matter what happen to me that I would be fine and make it out alive. Well this time I pushed it a little to far and almost cost my life at the age of 29 leaving behind a wonderful wife and two beautiful children.
Now I can't really put into words how that felt and to be honest I broke down maybe once during that and tucked everything else away. I started to make the necessary changes to my life and started to become more healthy. Things were good for a couple of months until I found out in October that I would be losing my job in approximately six months, another dark cloud over my head.
What you have to understand is that I have never been a long term job kind of person. Lets just say I found a way to wear my welcome out fast, but not here. I had been with my company for almost five years and have started out from the bottom and through many trials and tribulations I made something of myself. Now don't get me wrong I needed ALOT of help to get there and received it but for once in my life I had made something of myself and felt that family and friends could be proud of me. Well that bright spot has turned dark. My original plan was to move with the company to the new site and I made sure to put on a "happy" face with everyone. It was a lie!
I was scared beyond belief of the fact of moving away from my family and friends but you never would have known it. I even had a co-worker ask me not to be so "positive" about everything so that people didn't feel it forced upon them, but I didn't know how cuz I was scared that everyone would see the "real" me underneath(weird thing being, I didn't move but that co-worker did, kinda funny). But in the end due to financial and health insurance reasons, we decided not to move. Lets just say it was the smartest decision of our life.
Emotionally I have to say probably the hardest time in my life has got to be over the last few weeks. Two weeks ago I ended up having a itch in my nose, I scratched it and to make a long story short, my nose bled for eight hours until I went to the ER and they stuck a balloon up there to make it stop. I can't even think what would we have done if we moved. My company would have made us pay for 40% of the bill where Jenni's insurance made us pay $100.00 and that was it. So after five days of drugs, sleeping and mending my nose was all better and I felt as if I had escaped one more medical obstacle. God how I wish that belief was true, but once again Invincible Bill couldn't have been more wrong.
The Friday after I had the balloon taken out of the nose, I went to see the eye doctor(which I hadn't seen in a while) to have my eyes checked. Now I had noticed over the years that my eyes were not as good as they used to and maybe something was wrong but nothing like I was about to find out. After talking to the nurse and thinking I needed glasses I met with the opthamalogist himself and found out what was wrong with my vision. I had diabetic mahecular degeneration (I could be wrong on what the diagnosis was) but basically all those years of being a bad diabetic have come back at me. This was the final straw for me and emotionally I couldn't take it anymore.
This is when I think I finally had a breakdown. I remember driving home from the doctor that day and calling my wife. No tears while talking to her, just explained what happen and told her I would see her when I get home. After that I called my mom and the minute I heard her voice, I broke down. I remember telling her, why was I so stupid, why didn't I listen...and so on. At one point I remember that she had asked me if I was driving and if I was that I needed to pull over my car for a couple of minutes. I think I had finally hit my emotional barrier. The heart attack, the job loss, the eyes, the nose, the fear of losing my life and never seeing my family, my children ever again was over powering. In a way I didn't want the tears to stop, I didn't want the feeling to leave.
To be honest the feeling really hasn't left. To be honest I am having a hard time keeping myself composed by writing this. I used to walk around with a self pity attitude looking for people to feel sorry for me, but now the only person I need to be sorry for me, is me. I used to think that I had never done anything good in this world and I have never amounted to anything. Thats always when your wrong, for everything wrong I have ever done, there is plenty good. That night after finding out about my eyes, I remember coming home and seeing my kids. I always wanted to be a father, but never thought I would be a good father. I have given my kids everything but on the course I was on, I wasn't going to give them me for much longer.
So to get to my conclusion, I'm a blessed individual no matter how much wrong I have done and god willing, its time for a clear slate. I thank the lord for I think first and foremost my mother. God I can't even imagine how she feels with everything in my life that I have put her through but yet she is still the one who holds my hand and makes sure I am okay. Next I would say is my wife. There is another person that I can't even imagine how she deals with everything. She has been married to me for seven years in two days and look what I have put her through. Most people don't deal with anything of this in a 30 year marriage let alone 7. Next is my kids, gosh they may or may not be oblivious to all this but whenever I have this news, they still look at me as a father and make me realize I HAVE done something good. I'm also thankful for the rest of my family no matter how sometime they may drive me crazy. Both my brothers give me a hard time, but they would drop everything for me and at some points in there lives, they have! Then there is my sister in laws who probably had no idea what they were getting in to when they married into the family. Hi, welcome to the Prenas, one of your brother in laws is going to be a medical disaster and put you on a emotional roller coaster! Then there are my two nieces and nephew, three more reasons to know that I have done something right. Last but not least my friends, thank you. You guys have been there for me just as much and have been just as hard on me and its appreciated.
So the moral of the story is to treat everyday of life as your last and to listen to the people in your life. Trust me, they are right about the life lessons they are giving you. They wouldn't be telling you this unless they didn't love you. I wanna thank you all for reading this, I needed to get all my emotions down on paper so that I could really let the slate be cleared.
I am hoping to write more blogs throughout but am lazy at heart so may not get around to it.
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