Just to get by

So...yeah I know I haven't written in awhile and its probably been way to long. Also as well I agree that the last time I kinda wrote some bombs that some of you don't know and others of you have known for awhile, deal with it because thats how I roll.

I don't even know where to start. I guess we can probably start with my second thoughts. Yeah, you heard me about my second thoughts and they bother me greatly. I bother Jenni about them all the time and for the life of me I can't get them to leave my heads. Don't get me wrong I am very happy with where I am, I have the greatest wife a guy could ask for and my two children could not be any better then what I could ever ask for. Then we come to where I would like to be when it comes to finances and thats when I start to second guess it all. All my friends from my previous job that opted to move have been nothing but successful and that bothers me more then I could ever admit it.

All I ever wanted to do was provide for my family and for a short time I was doing it and I was very proud of it. But then my job was moved, which I'm okay wtih, and then I'm stuck with being the at home dad not producing. My kids deserve better then what I can produce for them and just when I was getting the chance to do it, it was gone. I think the problem I have with it the most is I look at my family and how successful they are and then look at myself and have to hang my head. Not that I have been an entire disappointment but that they have made something of themselves and I have done nothing more then skate through life.

I really do look up to my brothers more then I think they can ever truly recognize. I look at them and at the life they produce for their families and I can't help but want for what they have. One of my brothers can provide for both his wife and his children and they other makes enough money to be comfortable to. Don't get me wrong that both my sister in laws do a great amount too. One of my sister in laws takes care of two children while my other sister in law takes care of one child while working two. I can't help but look at that and think to myself why I didn't do something about it. I want to be as comfortable as both of them are. I want to be able to be okay with payday instead of looking forward to payday.

Now don't get me wrong, the whole I have digged is my own fault and I am not trying to cry about where I am(seriously). I am just having a moment and looking back on everything I have done and what I can do in the future. I may have screwed up and thats okay but you better believe that my kids aren't. they both deserve more then what they have been given. I don't care how good of a dad I may have been, they deserve to be able to not live through the stress that is living paycheck to paycheck.

I guess one of the big things I am getting at when it comes to my rambling is the fact that my mother raised a better person then what I am right now. Don't get me wrong I didn't turn out ALL that bad, but she did better then what I turned out to be. But I should probably get to the point of my rambling and say something significant. Don't sell your self short and reach for what may be important to you. You may think that your okay coasting through life but eventually, eventually its going to come back and bite out. It won't just bite, it will chomp on you. Right now in your life you may just looking through your own hourglass but trust me, eventually you may have one, two, three, four maybe five or more and you won't be on your own. Learn from me and make something of yourself because I can tell you right now, that you don't want to let you down because thats what hurts the most.